All my life I have felt like I am alone, there has always been this feeling of knowing that no one else really knows what is best for me - so I had to try my hardest to get what I needed done. I felt like the people in my life were not really permanently there for me, so I started to keep this thinking for everyone. Everyone in my life for the past ten years has been given a "Disposable" label from me. I knew not to get too close because they might not stay.
Now I'm in university where everyone is in this state, where you know that the friends you make probably won't be around in a couple years - even your really good ones. Now for the first time ever I have started not handing out the "Disposable" stickers because I'm in a place where I don't feel I have to, and at the same time people are leaving.
Which made me think, everyone around me for once has the exact same problem. They might not know it, or be aware of it, or maybe even really care, but they have it. Everyone at university is at a "life shift" where everything in their life is changing. The people you meet, the jobs you take, everything is temporary.
I've been at university long enough now that everyone outside of it that was in my life has moved on to bigger and better things. And like I mentioned, the people in my life now aren't permanent (for the most part).
So last night as I lay in bed at a time I should've been asleep, I thought about what that means for me and my life (short and long term).
Short term:
This summer most of the people I know and love will either graduate and move away, drop out and leave, or go home for the summer. Which means that I get the pleasure of staying here in Langley (where is still to be determined) with very few people around. There are a couple of people whose presence is more important to me than most, most of whom are going away.
My girlfriend is talking of going home for the summer to see her family, which I completely support. One of my best friends, if not my best, will be staying for a little while to do a show in Vancouver and then go home. My friend who is more like a sister is talking about going all kinds of places from Kansas City to Australia. And a bunch of other people in my life will be moving away, mostly going home. While I'm happy that they have a place to go, I still can't help but feel unsettled about the coming summer.
Long term:
Most of the people in my life are not permanent and I might not ever see them again after graduation, but I will have friends all over the globe. Without having true "roots" anywhere, I am free to go wherever I feel called.
Right now it feels (and looks) like the short term negatives outweigh the long term, very vague positives. This might be just another whiny post from a college student wishing life could be easier. But here I am wishing life could be easier and complaining about it in a blog post.
Till next time,
-T
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